more musings from mom's house

i've become, in the last few days, space obsessed. maybe its because i have this empty gut space now.1.1 ounces lost. and whats weird is that today, i feel like i can feel where my appendix used to be. but that might just be a sign of infection. or something...

i haven't been home in days. all i can think about is rearranging my room. ridding myself of all electronic devices. building a fort/nest. painting the walls to look like outer space. hiding, hiding, hibernation. emerging in the spring with all my lessons learned, and the beginnings of a myriad of projects already nailed down. of walls covered in grass, and homemade hedge mazes, and to-do lists. of nothing in the world but time. of taking all the appropriate vitamins and never drinking again. of locking myself in a bathroom in an empty building and just drinking for days (the aforementioned "giving it up" vs "giving in to it" conundrum)..of abandoned cities to run around in, and where my only responsibilities are taking care of myself and those i love, not game playing or second guessing or data queries or party planning.

i have a tendency (which i truly adore) to take tiny things and find big meanings in them. I haven't had surgery in over 23 years. So it is, in its tiny way, a bit life altering. thank goodness, thank goodness, amen. i enjoy the idea that it took a morphine drip and a week of vicadin to wake me up again.

ack. time to go lay down again. my insides are beginning to feel foreign.