half sleep swept ramblings: Future R/Evolution

As I was falling asleep last night, I was beleaguered with those strange, edge of consciousness, flash-thoughts. I think most of it stemmed from my conversation with Pat about what it is, precisely, I want to be doing with my life, and the 8 gazillion career and emotional paths I rattled off in response to her question. I've been toying with the idea for awhile now of joining the Peace Corp., but in order to do so, I have to finish college. I only have approx. two years left of ye olde higher education to complete, but now is the time I would be applying to schools if I was to alight into an institute of formal education in the fall. So do I dash off essay responses and gpa statistics to the few schools of my dreams, or do I think about the whole thing some more and get stuck in the inertia of DECIDING?

I left school because I felt there "weren't nothing in school I caint learn on da streets". Or something. The idea of paying an overwhelming amount of money for good conversation and a new reading list seemed down right stupid. Mind you, I've always liked school- the part of school that is all about introducing you to new things, to aiding you in the furthering of your own goals/ambitions- not the part of school that requires you to learn nonsense and perform busy work just so you have what they define as a "well rounded" education. I like classrooms, interacting with people I would never approach at a party and finding that we have things in common. I like teachers who are excited to teach, and students who are excited to learn, not people just going through the motions because college is what "you are SUPPOSED to do" after high school. I like moving to new cities, and immersing myself in pure brain driven activities, and walking new and strange streets early in the morning, drinking coffee and dreaming up new stories and projects and foci to work on. So school might work out, and it might be the right time in my life to go back, and finish things up, and walk away with more than a piece of paper, but a honed sense and craft of what I need to get things done.

But everything is stacked like precarious building blocks. If I want to join the Peace Corp, I have to go to school. If I want to go to school, I have to move, because there is no school in this city I want to drop my money into. If I have to move, where to? Back to Oakland, and Mills, my only real "alma mater"? Or back to Montana, to study farming and creative writing, in my hometown? Or to Portland, where the schools are good, I already have friends, and more friends are moving to soon? Or to a whole new city, with whole new people, and whole new fears and prospects and excitement?

Do I live on campus, or get my own place? If I live on campus, what do I do with my cats? If I get my own place, that means I will have to work. Do I want to work this time around while studying?

Do I finish up my English/Sociology degree? Do I strike out for something totally different, like Farm/Land Management, Ecology, Sustainabilty, or Archeology? Does striking out on a new path mean it will take more than two years?

And on and on and FOR GODSAKE on and on.

I think most of these questions are just obvious internal stalls. Reasons to waste more time thinking about things instead of having to just DO them.

I think last night I was able to hone into what I would be happy spending my life doing. I want what I do to follow closely to what I believe, and I want to be directly tied to what I produce, and the effect it has on the world around me. I want to learn skills useful in any setting, in any country, despite modern ammenities or better, in SPITE of them. I want to improve the lives of the people around me, and I want to be improved by their actions. I would like to travel, and not be a tourist, but be, even temporarily, a part of the new cultures I will find myself in. I would like to share my knowledge in any way I can- but preferably, in a hands on type way.

I would like to do international relief work, concentrating on distaster/crisis intervention and aide, sustainable ecology, land management, and education. I would also like to have the chance to learn from a diverse population any folk/local medicine/farming skills/lore/stories, etc that I can, so my education isn't only based in Western ideology and systems, and so I can bring back the things I learn and share them with others.

I would also like to live on my own working co-op farm, with the people I love, and work towards making communal, sustainable, autonomus living really work- not just talking the talk and then watching as everything falls to shit. I want to be surrounded by people working hard on the things they love, and working hard for the ones they love so that they, in turn, can work hard on the things they love. I want to evolve our own rituals, and stories, and traditions. I want walk the fucking walk, and know that every decision and action has a purpose and an outcome that is tangible, and graspable, and that we aren't spending time just so time will pass, but that we are growing, and changing, and creating, and continuing.

And I need to start on it now.