Prep Cooking and the Art of Meditation

Spending long sessions in the kitchen by myself multiple times a week these last few months has at least one surprising outcome: a glimpse into the meditative qualities of cooking. Since I don't do the "art" part of cooking, just the mechanics (chopping, measuring, mixing, etc) I tend to zone out into a methodical rhythm, which leaves plenty of room for my mind to run laps around itself.

I come to startling conclusions at work (I also come up with song lyrics there!).
It is a perfect venue to perfect the art of articulation. Its like therapy, but with more potatoes.

I made I plethora of bad decisions in February. The unexpected return of a severe cycle of manic depression caught me off guard. I haven't had cause to doubt myself in quite a long time. Aside from the murkiness that always surrounds how I feel about Zach, I have had a pretty clear grasp on what is good for me and what isn't, and my will power has usually been sufficient to maintain behavior that aligns what I need for my mental health.

There always remains that last, hardest, oldest level of unhealthiness to overcome though. Seeking out bad treatment because some part of my brain stubbornly maintains that I need to be humbled (my sick, pathological homage to maintaining a the sexist status quo, a female punishing herself for her femaleness). Refusing something honest and healthy because of that whisper that "there is no possible way I deserve it". Trying to find reasons to cry, just to prove that I still can. Etc etc.

Old demons rearing ugly heads, they are so familiar, and that familiarity breeds comfort, and that familiarity breeds contempt.

The difference now? I can name them for what they are. I can look them in the eye and know them for what they are. I don't hide them in new labels, or by shirking responsibility, or in glibness. I am always sad when I make these old mistakes, but I'm not ashamed anymore. There was a recent moment where I really lost a good dose of my self respect, but I am gleaning it back by identifying the well-worn path I took towards my mistake, and by embracing the process of healing.

And now? Holy moly, do I feel good. A solid state of good. Do you know what I'm talking about- that goodness you feel stabilizing you, that goodness to the core of who you are? Yeah, that's the one. And I'm building on it, by taking smart risks, that can lead to honest vulnerability, that can lead to sincere appreciation for all that we have, and for all that we are, that can lead to dancing, and holding hands, and building lives, and love, and love, and .....

Man. I really need to give those potatoes a raise.